Hello again, Here is something that is troubling me. My background is that I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic schools all through highschool, then once I went to college, stopped going to Mass, and started partying, got married (to a non-Catholic), had kids, got divorced and didn't go back to Mass until my two boys got to about age 10 and 13. I had them baptized, even though they knew nothing of Catholicism really, and then took them to church, where they took classes. They then had their first communion and confirmation, but we were told they would not need to make their first confession until later. AFter about 6 months, I again became indifferent (lazy) and stopped taking us all to mass until recently. The problem is, my kids now (at 13 and 16) have NO interest in Church, and they have never made a confession, and have no desire to go to mass with me and one son says he doesn't belive in God. Question: If I "force" them to go to make a confession, go to mass with me, take communion, and if they go through the motions just to "get me off their backs" so to speak, will it count? I know I've totally blown it with them, their indifference is my fault, and I just hope that God won't punish them for my negligence in not raising them as Catholics when they were little. I can't undo the past, is there anything I can do now? Has anyone here had to deal with kids who don't want to go to Church or has a situation similar to mine? Any advice or ideas in this area would be appreciated more than you know. Jeanne

-- Galneeds Advice (fakemail@dontspamme.com), July 23, 2004

Answers

It would be easier if they had grown up seeing you with a passion for the Church and her sacraments. Although we are divorced, both my wife and I have constantly shown our three sons our respect for the sacraments in our life. My boys are in a difficult situation. But they love the Church and pray regularly. I have great confidence they will come out just fine.

Nevertheless, the same advice applies to you as to any parent. Teach by example. Embrace the sacraments, build up your spiritual life, love God with all your heart. And absolutely let your children see this. Since they are older, they may be skeptical at first. But persevere anyway. In the long run, it is the best thing you could do, for both you and them.

And don't force them. Instead, develop yourself somewhat first. Then explain to them how important it is to you that they come to see the importance of this.

-- Pat Delaney (pat@patdelaney.net), July 23, 2004.

Jeanne: don't think that you situation you find yourself in is unique. Many parents, even if they have not divorced, find themselves in a situation similar to yours. I'd recommend that instead of trying to force your sons into going to Mass or confession why don't you start going yourself. If when you come back home they see you more serene and happy, if they see that you are less grumpy or ill tempered they'll begin wondering what has happened to you. Talk to them occasionally about a good thought or feeling you got while at Mass and then they will see that Mass has really lifted your spirit and is helping you change for the better and gradually they will follow. Rather than "forcing" invite them to join you in the happiness of being Catholic.

I'll offer my family's and my prayers for you and your sons.

God bless you!

Enrique

-- Enrique Ortiz (eaortiz@yahoo.com), July 23, 2004.

#1 - Prayer #2 - Learn about your faith. Buy good Catholic books, read them and leave them lying around. Maybe the kids will read them. We're gonna use Catholic Christianity by Peter Kreeft for our RCIA class. His writing is crisp, and direct and sometimes funny. #3 - Buy some icons, have them blessed, and hang them or place them around the house. Attrack kids to God w/ beauty. #4 - Live your faith and let them see it.

If they were told not to make a confession until after Communion, they received a poor Catholic education from the local church.

As their parent perhaps you should insist that they attend Mass w/ you. They're your kids after all. Tell them it's important to you and they can make a small sacrifice. Don't force them to receive the sacraments, but tell them no communion w/out confession first.

Try to find a good reverent parish and go there.

I'll pray for you.

-- tony c (casimir25@lycos.com), July 23, 2004.

as many children will tell you, along with many professionals, often times parents today are too afraid of accidently offending their child to make them DO anything.

YOU ARE THE PARENT. they are BOTH still minors. you both CAN and SHOULD mandate that both of them attend mass. they cannot partake of sacraments they dont believe in or arent properly disposed for, but it is your job when they are young to enforce their attendance anyway. i know its tough, because you love your kids and you want to have a good relationship with them, but being a parent isnt always about smooth sailing... sometimes its about doing whats best for your children. be bold, they will still love you afterwards.

-- paul h (dontsendmemail@notanaddress.com), July 23, 2004.

Jeanne, I agree with Paul that you are the parent, not a buddy, not a best friend. Kids don't learn this stuff on their own.

God has entrusted their souls to you to nurture and develop. I also believe parents will be judged on the role they took in helping to save their childrens souls.

That means you take them every Sunday. Every Sunday. Every Sunday. No excuses. My parents used to hall me out of bed and tell me there would be time to sleep in heaven. So when I got to college and out on my own, I could still hear my mom's voice telling me to get out of bed. Now I hear God telling me the same thing.

Consider hanging a green scapular in their rooms and pray for them. The green scapular is great for conversions and all you have to do is place the scapular in their room, somewhere, and say the daily prayer for them. It works and is powerful.

I have an 11 yr old who used to feign illness to get out of mass each week - so convincingly that he could even appear sickly. He was becoming a big problem actually. Bad attitude, getting mean, lying. But I started making him go "sick". Hung a green scapular in his room and in punishment for lying, made him say the prayer of the scapular for a month "IMMACULATE HEART OF MARY, PRAY FOR US NOW AND AT THE HOUR OF OUR DEATH (along with a secular punishment of being grounded).

Do you know that this same 11 yr old even sings once in a while now at church? I realize 11 is a far cry from 16, but I also MAKE us say a family rosary. And I also MAKE them go to Eucharistic Adoration each week with me. I MAKE them go to confession monthly. I am going to do everything in my power, as a parent to give them the spiritual weapons they need in life.

Show them that religion is a family unity project. Do evening or morning prayers together - even if they are quick. Your 16yr old will probably think it "lame" for a bit until you keep it up, and keep it up, and keep it up.

Do you make them go to school to learn to survive in the world? Well, we are in a spiritual war and need to fight with spiritual weapons - so equip them and teach them. They did not learn to read on their own and will not learn this one their own.

You can do this and beat this one, Jeanne! You really can! The Holy Spirit will help, if you ask.

My prayers are with you.

Jennifer

-- Jennifer (jrabs@jrabs.com), July 23, 2004.

We make them go to school, make them go to the doctor or to the hospital when required. Yet when all is said and done, neither their education nor their physical health will matter. Only their faith. Which is why it is so pitiful when parents say they won't "force their faith" on a child, but will let him/her choose their own faith when they are old enough.

-- Paul M. (PaulCyp@cox.net), July 23, 2004.

AMEN! Paul.

-- Jennifer (jrabs@jrabs.com), July 23, 2004.

Galneeds,

IMO, you've started off doing the BIG thing correctly by returning to church yourself, so don't forget that part when you have the urge to beat yourself up over something. I agree with the folks above, the kids are your kids, you should force them to go to mass while under your care, and try and lead by example. This will cause them to see it's important to YOU, and even if they rebel in their 20's, they'll really think about it in their 30's. I've got my own kids, and have heard my share of "do I HAVE tooooo?" and the answer is "yes you do, so hurry up" or the also popular "do you feel like eating this week?" LOL, actually my kids rather like going to mass in one way, since I usually stop for a family snack on the way back home.

Oh yeah, you were at an odd church, normally confession comes before communion, but that's the post-Vat II world for you, a few more generations have to go by before everything will be the way its supposed to.

Frank

-- Someone (ChimingIn@twocents.cam), July 23, 2004.

Also, find out if any of their friends are also Catholic and perhaps going to CCD classes or are in youth group. It helps to have a buddy sometimes in these things. As to Mass, it is good to go even if you don't go to Communion--you may hear something in the sermon that strikes a chord.

Our parish also has a "Service Sunday" where people get together after 11am Mass and help out anyone in the parish (no income requirement) who needs an extra hand or two say, clearing blackberry vines or other brush, or stacking firewood, and there's a pizza feed afterwards. They actually might enjoy that. Being Catholic is more than just going to Mass.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), July 24, 2004.

GT,

What a cool idea...Service Sunday. Thanks for sharing that idea. I really like that one. Our church has "Rough and Ready". One Sat a month volunteers gather to do church yard work - with pizza afterwards. It helps our struggle to balance that budget - which I'm sure several parishes encounter. But I digress...

Thanks

Jennifer

-- Jennifer (jrabs@jrabs.com), July 27, 2004.

Hi Jennifer,

I have a question for you. Can you send me an email? I tried yours and the address did not work. You can use my email below, just take out the "

-- Emily ("jesusfollower7@yahoo.com), July 27, 2004.

Hi Jeanne, I too endorse what Jennifer says. I too do the same except taking them with me for the weekly Adoration of the Blessed sacrement. Now I shall pray that they will come with me for that too. God Bless, Ramanie,

-- Ramanie Weerasinghe (lilanw@yahoo.com), July 29, 2004.

The only thing I would say is that being a Christian is about a personal relationship with God- not ritualistic legalism. Be careful to focus most of your attention on the heart- not rituals. Tradition is good but can easily turn into “going through the motions” instead of personalizing it. I might get hit for this one but don’t limit your reading to just Catholic material. Try other solid Christian reading like Ted Tripp’s Shepherding A Child’s Heart or anything by Dr Larry Crabb. Blessings to you for your efforts.

-- Ed Gavras (edg@lifecenternorth.orged), August 11, 2004.

Sorry my email address was wrong.

-- Ed Gavras (edg@lifecenternorth.org), August 11, 2004.

The only thing I would say is that being a Christian is about a personal relationship with God- not ritualistic legalism. Be careful to focus most of your attention on the heart- not rituals. Tradition is good but can easily turn into “going through the motions” instead of personalizing it.

Sorry to rebut what you are saying, but actually being a Protestant Christian may be about a personal relationship with God, but being a Catholic Christian is more than that. Going to confession, attending mass, getting confirmed, etc, --all of these "ritualistic legalisms" as you call them, are part and parcel of being a true Catholic. Galneeds' kids may indeed "go through the motions" when she forces them to attend mass or go to confession. But these are the first steps to that which you find most important: "turning attention to the heart." It may not click right away, it may not happen for years, but she should take the first step. I would say, be careful to not eschew the traditions and "rituals" of the Catholic Faith in favor of your personal relationship with God. These traditions and "rituals" have been vetted by Popes, Doctors of the Church, and other saints for 2000 years, and I would dare to say their personal relationship with God was pretty good.

Galneeds,

In addition to mass, confession and the like, the most important thing for you to do is to pray constantly and to ask Our Lady to pray that your kids return their hearts to the faith. You can also offer up your sorrows so that they may see a sign or something that leads their hearts to the faith. I would also venture to say that even though the non-Catholic books mentioned may be good reading (haven't read them myself), there is more than enough Catholic writing out there to last a lifetime. Good luck and may God bless you.

-- Brian Crane (brian.crane@cranemills.com), August 11, 2004.